I'm a human lab monkey - posted by the Mr.

I don't know if i'm the only one offering myself up for experimentation for a few measly dollars, but i'd like to think i am. I just thought i'd write a few tidbits on some of my lab rat experiences for my future posterity to see and wonder how God would ever send them down to someone like me. Let's start off with my latest venture. So as i was walking down the hall, i stopped at the posting board (as i usually do, i don't know why, there must be something mystical about them)and i saw two sets of lips that seemed to be asking me "do you get cold sores more than twice a year?" Actually that's exactly what the paper said, and it did have a picture of lips on it...anyway so i went to do this cold sore study, they pricked me in the arm, and said your checks in the mail...suckas easiest twenty bucks ever! and then i came back when i had a cold sore they swabbed it and sent me another check! I never thought my cold sores would ever pay me back, yet i stood there, a very corrected man. Other instances of me selling my body for science include investigational flu shot study, $250/hr, blood pressure study $150/day, and psychological robbery lying study $30. The last one was actually kind of interesting because it was like mission cloak and dagger impossible. First you met in this room and listened to a tape in this room that explained what you were supposed to do, in my case, i was supposed to go into a certain room on campus, in a certain building, and steal $20 from this ladies purse, who was supposed to get up and leave in just enough time for me to steal the money from her purse when i asked her, "excuse me miss, do you know where the bathroom is?" Any way, so i steal the money and go upstairs where they hook me up to this computer program that tracks your eye movements as they ask you questions that you are supposed to lie about so they can tell if your lying or not. It was all very confusing, but i ended up beating the machine, winning the prize money, and was labeled a successful lier all at the same time. I may have participated in more studies but they probably erased my memory or something so i wouldn't blab about something top secret. Any way, i would consider myself a semi-professional lab monkey, and will keep doing it until i feel like our ships come in. So if you need a professional human lab monkey, i know someone in the business...me!